It struck me today how raising Sassi by herself will be the best thing we can do for her.

Apologies to any future surprise child in my fate but hopefully, we are team One & Done.

We have lately been discussing early years school for Sass and evaluating where to send her and when to do so since unlike both her parents, she takes to crowds and unknown people like fish to water. It has made us waiver on our earlier stance of keeping her home until much later and evaluating the thought to let her go to the few hours a day playgroup to romp around with other animals her size.

However, her absolute love for “bubby” (baby) which is pretty much anyone who is not an adult (yes. Teens too) would make me weak on the inside and get me back to the drawing board of life, re evaluating my choices.

Is she pining for a sibling?

Am I wrong-ing her a “right”.

Is the proverbial neighbourhood aunt right in saying she needs a sibling and we are nuts and UNFAIR to stop at one?

The level-headed answer of course is “Hell no!”

I mean honestly, if it were so essential, humans would give birth in litters too and not singles.

My personal reason (apart from knowing that I physically can’t take another first-six-months-of-life run again in MY life. I just can’t knowingly and willingly go through the stress of keeping a newborn alive with another child in tow.) is that I cannot possibly imagine sharing “airtime” with someone else. Having another child would mean Sassi’s time gets slashed. Whether people admit it or not, it is plain math.

I do not buy the entire spiel of “love multiplies and doesn’t divide”.

The feeling and space in your heart might expand to hold within another child and maybe even twenty more, the hours of the day don’t!

The minutes in an hour DON’T.

Having another child would inevitably mean there will be minutes (even hours GOSH!) during the day that I could’ve spent doting over Sassi that I will now be spending on the hypothetical (and hopefully non existent) offspring dos.

Just the thought smashes my heart to smithereens.

Just like I was able to save these Chrysanthemums this past weekend from being squished to death at being mistaken as balls and a tiny human tumbling towards them like a cartoon on the loop like a typewriter gone ballistic.

I would pick her up and remove her from there and she would run straight back, exhilarated, screaming “BALL” to grab some!

Yup. Those would probably have been a goner had I been juggling two of these nutters!

I’m not your typical “Kid- lover”.

I only love my own child. I’m one of those. I always like older children who we can have a conversation with and engage with. Sassi unlocked a space in my heart I never experienced for anyone else and I wish to keep it exclusive for her. Can’t imagine sharing that with anyone else. Even the thought seems blasphemous at best.

The other reason if I keep emotions aside is that I love having the life I have. It is already taken over by the one toddler and really that’s just about all I want to share with anyone. Any more than this and I will quite literally only be raising a child and doing NOTHING else for plenty of years. That’s not a choice I wish to make.

I absolutely love seeing other people with multiple kids. Just like I LOVE other people enjoying a roller coaster ride. It just might give me a stroke. Yeah I don’t do joyrides. Or multiple kids. It’s just not for me and I’m glad I’m aware of it.

So coming back to where I began, here’s why I think it’s the best thing we will do for her courtesy the epiphany I had earlier today when I was thinking about what her average day would look like when she starts school.

This will give her an opportunity to develop and nurture her own space. A chunk of the day will be spent out in the world that is built to accommodate and facilitate only extroverts. It’s loud, it’s interactive, you get extra points for socialising and reacting explicitly to everything that surrounds you. Once she’s back home, she will have the space to quiet down and introspect. To fine tune into the subtle and have a go at what both her father and I enjoy.

The power of being an introvert.

Where I am not saying that I want her to become one, I’m perfectly happy with her being whoever she grows up into.

I just wish to provide her the space to slow down, reflect, smell the roses, observe the finer details that surround us and experience mindfulness for those are just a few of the traits I honestly want my child to have a chance at.

She is VERY observant and from what little we know of her so far, extremely meticulous about detail. Even a drop of water or a drink that fell to the floor will irk her as it does me and she won’t sit until it’s wiped clean or she is handed a napkin to do so. She will make a mess eating because. Child. Though immediately after will want to be cleaned up, sticking her hands out in agony. Since she was quite literally 5-6 months old she would hand us little fragments of treasures, a piece of thread or the tiniest crumb and expect us to have a look, thank her AND SAFELY GIVE IT BACK TO HER. She is extremely upset if we lose that diamond of hers which sometimes is inevitable for daddy with his BIG hands and not so great eyesight.

She is a loud and boisterous child but that’s how ONLY I look at her. That’s someone who is not too fond of ANYTHING loud. Whether it’s sound, colour or people. Everyone else always comments on how calm and composed she is. I actually applaud how she stayed quiet and loitered around casually through three quite long speeches at a recent Wolfson College (Oxford) get together. She was the only child there and it was a very small group of people but not a peep out of her until almost the end of the last speech.

Susan Cain sums up what I wish for my child, so beautifully I have trouble coming up with a better articulated suggestion for life. In one of my favourite books about Introversion, Quiet, she says

” Love is essential; gregariousness is optional. Cherish your nearest and dearest. Work with colleagues you like and respect. Scan new acquaintances for those who might fall into the former categories or whose company you enjoy for its own sake. And don’t worry about socializing with everyone else. Relationships make everyone happier, introverts included, but think quality over quantity.”

This picture is so dear to my heart for it represents all I ever want to do for my darling child.

Follow her around at a safe distance to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself or tumble into trouble yet let her decide her course (we went from the friendly police guard on gun/ sniper duty to the not-so-friendly fritters frying lad at the food stall. She took me around until we both dropped to the ground and rolled around laughing.)

May we all be able to raise our little baubles (no matter what the magic number of kids for us is), to the best of our abilities and of all that we know.

Aamiin.