Pensive Moments

Pensive Moments

The other day, our driver took a sick day so I had to take a Careem to go to my mum’s place. Sass insisted on sitting by herself next to me in the car. Not in my lap but on the seat itself. *

In one of her own moods, holding on tight to her bumble bee beanie boo, she was completely engrossed in her own thought jungle. I beckoned for a kiss and still in the throws of her imagination she absent mindedly just tilted towards me, still looking upwards, pouting for a kiss.

As I kissed her I heard a knock on the window. Looking up I found an aged woman dressed in what looked like old but clean clothes, a pair of glasses that resembled the last ones of my grandfather’s before he completely lost his sight (I once burnt paper with the sun using it!), and a smile sporting way less than the regular number of teeth.

She had seen me kiss my child and the look on her face softened. She didn’t ask for money which was probably what was on her mind in the first place. In the split of a second I tried to search her face for longing or a missed opportunity in life, the story teller in me was eager to know what she thought of a mother kissing her baby but the traffic signal was cruel as time. Hurriedly I started rummaging through my bag for money (I never have any cash. Like ever. I’m that awful. And when I do it’s in the worst of disarray possible. I’m a wreck), handed over a bunch I found to the Driver/ chauffeur to hand it to her only to see it quickly land in her palm. She looked down at it and then instead of clasping her hands in thankfulness or raising them in prayer for me which is usually the norm, she raised her fist to the skies in a Hurrah motion with the most gleeful expression I’ve seen in a while, her eyes twinkling behind the magnifying pair for glasses her face adorned. I’ll never forget that smile but there’s another thing I will never forget about her.

That fraction of a moment that I searched for what she was thinking, when she looked at Sassi kissing me? I found something.

I saw contentment. I saw the warmest most selfless glow ever that I have witnessed on a face, no sign of remorse or resentment, quite the contrary, almost blessing-like. It felt like she had a story and that moment told me all of it.

As if she said “I have had so much of that love in my life, I know exactly how you feel right now with your heart full and your eyes wide. There’s nothing that’ll match a pensive baby’s half-thought yet full-intended kiss. And you my dear will remember this for all eternity.”

The gorgeous heart that outshone her tattered appearance. That smile that said it all.

It is but apt to insert this here.

Rabbir hamhumaa kamaa Rabbayaani Sagheera

A duaa that I love, the gist of it says may Allah SWT have mercy on my parents the way they loved me when I was little.

*Regrettably (and scarily) Pakistan does not have any laws (or at least actively enforced laws) for ensuring children to be in car seats so seeing children in laps or generally even in front seat is a very common sight. I haven’t sat in the front seat since she was born so we sit in the back seat with her either in the carry cot- car seat or in my lap. She recently outgrew that seat so we have the new one installed but I haven’t braved putting her in it yet. She’s usually in my lap. This however is an account of a ride using a cab service somewhat like Uber.