I was so in control of my life.
Darn, those days! Before I went in for my delivery I had the snacks and drinks sorted for the visitors who will come to visit, I had the food delivery to the hospital sorted for the DAY of birth, I had Mother’s Day gifts sorted for my mum AND me!
Fast forward to year 3 and well it’s a different story altogether but rewind a bit right there.
The first Mother’s Day was more than just a task in my to do list. It was excitement. Not necessarily for the hallmark enthused holiday but more so for crossing over to the other side of that line.
This time, Ragni, the daughter of a couple who are more like second parents to me and my forever jaan (darling) was her first Mother’s Day.
Thousands of miles away, in the thick of a pandemic we don’t know when will be over for us, sits a soul I can grab in the crook of my elbow and kiss for a million years with her little bean(z) at her first ever Mother’s Day.
The way she did. The day I found out (for sure) I was pregnant. She just didn’t know it was that day she just hugged me any way.
I can’t send her anything. I can’t do anything for her. Except get all giddy for her sitting across the globe, reminiscing my own first Mother’s Day, revelling in the joy she must be feeling.
a) to be able to smell that tiny baby head
And b) to still be overwhelmed at becoming a mama because trust me. Theee years later and I’m still waiting for the overwhelm to die.
Just last night I nearly woke up my child who had gone to sleep at nearly THREE AM (don’t judge. This kid is taking quarantine hard) by just kissing her incessantly.
So Reggae. I love you and beanz. And I miss you so much my heart aches. It hurts to not have seen him and your mama face yet but I am also in an equally euphoric state where I’m like OMFG isn’t this amazing? Like literally every other new thing in life? But just so much MORE of it?
This Mother’s Day I think of you
Sigh. I love you and M.
Kiss kiss.