Have you ever heard anyone say I wish I never had kids?
It’s rare.
Can you perceive that a mother would sometimes FEEL this?
We have no clue because it’s such a non-say-out-loud we can’t imagine anyone imagining it.
That’s social conditioning for you.
Do you see yourself recreating this picture in a setting of your choice without hurting your life choices? That’s my personal check for wanting a family. I might not be physically fit enough to redo this but the emotion is there. That’s how you know.
The fact is that for any species, to survive, they have to look at procreation fondly. That was the cave man that had to outnumber the other animals that inhabited the earth.
We’ve done that. We’ve gone ahead and hunted some species to extinction. While growing ours more and more.
We are at a point where we now need to stop doing that. Not stop having kids altogether but stop being the flag bearers of child bearing as a purpose of life itself.
Look at the entire thing collectively as human beings. The human race is overpopulated.
Our country, even more.
So maybe, allow people to at least think rationally before wanting to have kids? It’s not being ungrateful. It’s about making a conscious decision.
Having a child is a ginormous decision. Can we stop underplaying it already?
It changes everything about your life as you’ve ever known it to be and it surely deserves credit for that.
There are plenty of women out there who would’ve been better people had they never had a child. Or at the very least waited a few years or even a decade. It takes its toll on you emotionally. Sadly it’s a thought they would shun often in their head and even pray for forgiveness that it even crossed their mind.
Motherhood Is a whole parallel life form to the single life or even one just without a child. It needs you to selflessly care for a helpless little child 24/7 who is dependent on you for everything stat. It sounds mechanical and rather straightforward. It’s the farthest thing from it.
When your body aching with postpartum recuperation, tired to the bone, ready to fall asleep standing needs to gather that last ounce of energy and hold a child all night because colic or just reflux, it’s definitely easier said than done.
I say this often. The first six months of a child’s life actively reduces the lifespan of the primary caregiver(s). I have worked myself into the ground to the extent that my body would give way and I would fall sick. Yet I would still be rearing to go on and work some more.
I experienced complete and total exhaustion after I had a child. I had NEVER in my life felt as miserable and physically drained. She would keep replenishing the emotional bit but physically I thought I’d never recover from this jolt
My child was completely planned, contemplated and a thought through decision. I conceived rather quickly once we decided so that was a surprise but apart from that, we were ready yet STILL there were plenty of unpleasant surprises about parenthood that dawn on you the second your kid is out of you. I can’t even imagine someone in their twenties (or even earlier!) being thrusted upon with the responsibility of raising an offspring when they are not sold on the idea a hundred and ten percent.
Ever wondered why the people surrounding us usually make the decision for us to have kids? Why does it happen? Think about it in evolutionary terms. It’s the human race stuck in stone age, raving to survive, raving to grow. We have come way too far from that but the instincts to promote population growth were never allowed to die out. They were nurtured instead.
Every time I would witness someone make a comment about my biological clock ticking or “shaadi nahi karni?” (Don’t you want to get married?) bachchay nahi chaahiyein? (Don’t you want kids) as if the inclusion of another human being in my life was merely for their sperm BECAUSE I’m running out on time. Must. Make baby. Even if it’s a douche you marry. The man doesn’t matter. Your baby making purpose of life is what matters. I would think of them dressed like the Flintstones. Seriously. It’s as archaic. Think about it in the bigger picture. Poor things. They’re such prisoners to their evolutionary behaviour, they simply can’t break through.
If you ask for rationale they won’t have any answers. It would only end in some mumbling on the lines of “but everyone should want kids, they complete you, why won’t anyone want kids, they’re God’s blessing (Rehmat)” quickly escalating to “tum se tau baat karna fuzzol hai” (it’s useless to talk to you.)
Nothing based on facts and logic. Absolutely nothing.
I’m a snob for non-thinkers. I am. I can’t stand people who would say things without thinking about it. It makes you no better than a hoover to suck up garbage from one place only to regurgitate it at another without processing it. A lot of times other people’s opinions make you wiser. It’s great to learn from the experienced and all that jazz but it will never EVER work for you unless you customise that opinion into information that suits you. Is this what YOU want? How does it fit into YOUR bigger picture?
Allow a woman to decide what she does with her body.
If she doesn’t want to have kids because she doesn’t want to lose her hard earned fitness. FAIR ENOUGH! If she doesn’t want to have a child because she thinks she isn’t wise enough to be a mother BELIEVE HER instead of trying to convince her otherwise. If she doesn’t want to have kids because she wants to focus on her career, for the love of anything you believe in, LET HER. Instead of trying to convince them that they’ll learn once he child is here. Children are individuals we are responsible to raise and while they teach us a lot through the span of their lives and ours must NOT BE RELIED ON for reaching us life skills. They’re not practice grounds. They’re the real thing. They’re human beings you are affecting while you are having your so -called learning experience to control your anger or letting go. By the time you learn get a handle on your life you have probably prepared a case ripe for a therapist in the form of your child. Why would you want to do that?
It is the half hearted, unsure, disgruntled or simply not ready to be a mother Moms that end up harming their own well being as well as that of an entire family without even knowing they’re doing it.
Having a child is AMAZING and it fills your heart with a love you’ve never experienced. One that makes you want to hold and squish another person no matter how many times they will whack your hand away. It is different from anything you might ever have done in life whether it’s raising puppies of bungee jumping. It has its own high but bear in mind it will change your life COMPLETELY.
It isn’t too late to have a child unless you cross 45. This is 2019. I personally know people who have had their first child in their 40s so please, think through. If you are unsure, do your research, do your planning and then embark on the journey to parenthood. If you are a hundred percent sure you don’t want kids, don’t have them for your parents or parents in law or your neighbour who always asks for a “good news” every time they see you.
There are plenty of articles and information out there surrounding everything new parents might be exposed to, I only wished to touch upon the emotional readiness for whatever reasons a woman may have.
Can we PLEASE grow out of caves and accept the skyscrapers in our lives?